Apologies for being M.I.A.

Well, in contrast to my cynical and perhaps vaguely depressing post of  a couple of weeks ago, we have here in Ayrshire been gifted with a few WEEKS of something that resembles Summer – at least to our sun deprived, rickets ridden selves.

I have spent vast quantities of my time outdoors, alternately savouring my blissful surroundings and running away from things that buzz or have eight legs – nature for me is a double edged sword. Sure flowers and sunshine and bunnies are great and I could spend forever sitting in one of the nearby fields watching the hares race around leaving dust clouds in their paths…I just have to take a chair to sit on to avoid mimicking a Jack in the Box every thirty seconds.

I can’t help having this fear of spiders, I so wish that I could. It’s irrational and limiting, but unfortunately I think it’s here to stay. I don’t beetles or earwigs or really anything else – but spiders are just downright terrifying. And how sad it really is, to be afraid of a creature just going about it’s business, struggling to survive. How sad to avoid camping or picnics for the sake of these little guys, completely oblivious to our fears and harsh views of them. But alas, all I can do is live in hope that someday I can overcome all this… or at the very least develop a less embarrassing squeal and run.

I haven’t drawn a great deal either this past week or so. I go outside armed with sketchbook and pens and watercolours, taking note of all the beautiful things that I pass  with intent of stopping to draw one of them, but I never do. It isn’t laziness or shyness or even that I don’t want to – it’s just an unshakeable feeling of inadequacy. In my room, or even in a cafe or other building I feel I can draw something well enough to at least capture it in my own style, sure it’s imperfect, and sure I’m no master at it (actually a lot of the time, I’m far from even being competent), but I feel like I can record what I’m seeing in ‘my world’ in ‘my own language’ if you will. But outside, surrounded by nature’s masterpieces, I take out my little book and ball point – myself  just one tiny little speck in nature’s great landscape – I gaze all around me, and wonder at the tremendous beauty and enormous scale of everything, and then realise that I’m not even fit to attempt to draw this. There is no line on paper that I could make, no watercolour I can mix, that could do any of this justice.

I hope that as I grow as an artist, I will feel more able to draw the trees and flowers and animals that surround me, but for now I really am content to be out there among them, observing. And when faced with sunsets like this on a regular basis, how could anyone not want to be out there?:

I think it will be along time before I feel up to painting this!

And yes, I do know that I could be still doing things inside. But honestly, as much as I love art, and my journal after finishing a very stressful year at college it’s been nice to have a little time off from it all, though I do miss it everyday. So here is one I did inside…rapidly and whilst staring out the window longingly!:

Inside drawing it or outside eating it on a barbeque... hmmm tough one!

Oh, and as a final side note, I be you’re all (all two of you) eager to hear how I’m getting on with slack lining? (What do you mean you never read that post???) Well I’m not making much progress to be honest – take the same three or four steps and fall off each time. Normally I can kind of hop off at least, but occasionally I end up face first in the dirt. Yey. As frustrating as it is my enthusiasm and determination are unwavering and I think this will be something that will be with me for a long time – unless of course I develop freaky butch legs or worse… cankles!

So that’s all for now, I’m off back out into the sunlight to enjoy it while it lasts…

Kitty